Day 1: Finding Strength in Past Pain- Lessons from Childhood Bullying
Middle school can be a battleground of emotions and social hierarchies. As a self-assured 42-year-old woman, I recently found myself sharing a painful memory with my son—a story about bullying I experienced decades ago but still remember with striking clarity.
"Kids have been mean forever," I told him. "They pick on others for things they can't control."
I explained how puzzling it was that certain classmates targeted me despite our minimal interaction. What stands out most vividly in this memory isn't the hurt, but my father's response—how he quietly went to the park pavilion and sanded down benches where hurtful words about me had been carved, ensuring I wouldn't have to see them.
The Lasting Impact of Bullying
Research consistently shows that bullying experiences can have profound, long-lasting effects. According to a meta-analysis published in JAMA Psychiatry, individuals who experienced bullying in childhood have significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety in adulthood compared to those who weren't bullied (Ttofi et al., 2011).
What's particularly striking is how these memories persist. A 2015 study in the Journal of School Psychology found that adults can recall bullying incidents from their youth with remarkable detail, even decades later—exactly as I experienced when sharing my story with my son (Carlisle & Rofes, 2015).
Protection vs. Empowerment
My father's response—removing the visible evidence of bullying—represents one approach to supporting children through these difficult experiences. His protective instinct was to shield me from further pain by literally erasing the hurtful words.
Current research suggests a balanced approach. A 2019 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health indicates that while parental protection is important, building resilience through guided problem-solving may have more lasting positive effects (Hinduja & Patchin, 2019). The ideal parental response combines validation, practical support, and gradually equipping children with skills to handle future challenges.
Breaking the Cycle
One reason I shared this story with my son was to demonstrate that bullying isn't new—and that there's life beyond these painful experiences. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that children who understand bullying behaviors are often driven by the bully's own insecurities are better equipped to depersonalize these experiences (Bradshaw, 2015).
By discussing my past experiences openly, I'm participating in what researchers call "narrative reconstruction"—reframing painful memories as part of a larger growth story. A 2018 longitudinal study in Development and Psychopathology found that adults who could integrate childhood bullying experiences into a meaningful personal narrative showed greater psychological well-being than those who remained defined by their victimization (Newman et al., 2018).
From Victim to Self-Assured
The journey from bullied child to self-assured adult isn't automatic. According to research by Wolke and colleagues (2013), the difference often lies in having at least one significant protective factor—whether that's a supportive parent (like my dad), a talent that builds confidence, or even just one solid friendship.
For me, my father's quiet act of sanding away those hateful words taught me something profound: I was worth protecting, even when I couldn't protect myself. That knowledge became a foundation upon which I gradually built my adult confidence.
What We Can Teach Our Children
When I shared my story with my son, I wasn't just reminiscing—I was providing him with tools. Research shows that children whose parents discuss bullying proactively are better prepared to identify and respond to it (Espelage, 2016).
I wanted him to understand several key points that research supports:
Bullying is often about the bully, not the target
Having supportive adults matters tremendously
These painful experiences don't define your entire life
Sometimes you won't understand why you're targeted—and that's okay
The Power of Perspective
At 42, I can look back at that confused middle school girl with compassion. The research confirms what many of us discover through experience: time and distance allow us to recontextualize our painful experiences.
A recent study in the Journal of Counseling Psychology (Gartland et al., 2021) found that adults who can view their childhood bullying experiences through a lens of growth rather than victimhood report higher life satisfaction and lower rates of depression.
What I hope my son learns from my story isn't just about bullying, but about resilience—and how sometimes the heroes in our stories aren't the ones who confront the villains head-on, but those who quietly repair the damage afterward.
Like my father, who simply showed up with sandpaper and determination, making sure his daughter wouldn't have to face those cruel words again.
That's the kind of parent I strive to be now—ready with my own version of sandpaper when needed, but also equipped with the knowledge that helping our children build their own inner strength may be the most powerful gift of all.
