DAY 6: The Subtle Scars: Recognizing and Healing from Relational Aggression
*a hypothetical story
"Did anyone see the party photos on Instagram?" my daughter asked, her voice carefully casual as we drove home from school.
"No," I responded, sensing something behind the question. "Should I have?"
A pause. "It's nothing. Just that everyone was there. Except me."
That evening, I found her scrolling through images of smiling faces—girls who had sat beside her at lunch that very day, planning a gathering she hadn't been invited to join. No one had pushed her or called her names. The damage was done through simple exclusion—invisible to teachers, undocumented in disciplinary records, yet deeply painful.
Welcome to the world of relational aggression—what researchers call "the hidden culture of aggression among girls." While physical bullying tends to capture headlines and policy attention, mounting evidence suggests that these more subtle forms of bullying may leave equally lasting scars, particularly for girls.
According to comprehensive research by Underwood and Ehrenreich (2021), relational aggression encompasses behaviors designed to harm others through damage to relationships or social standing. Common forms include:
Social exclusion ("You can't sit with us")
Manipulation of friendship ("I won't be your friend if...")
Rumor spreading and gossip
The silent treatment or "freezing out"
Conditional friendship ("I'll only invite you if...")
Public humiliation through social media
What makes relational aggression particularly insidious is its deniability. As Leadbeater et al. (2022) documented, perpetrators can often maintain plausible deniability ("I just forgot to invite her" or "I didn't mean it that way"), making these behaviors difficult for adults to address.
The research is clear: these seemingly "mild" forms of bullying can cause significant psychological harm. A longitudinal study by Marshall et al. (2020) found that adolescent girls who experienced relational aggression showed comparable levels of depression, anxiety, and reduced self-esteem to those who experienced direct physical bullying.
Even more concerning, Ostrov and Godleski (2020) found that the effects of relational aggression may be particularly pronounced for girls because they tend to place higher value on social relationships, making social exclusion and manipulation especially painful.
"We often tell girls to ignore 'mean girl' behavior as if it's a normal part of growing up female," explains Dr. Catherine Thompson, whose research focuses on gender and bullying. "But the science is clear: relational aggression isn't just 'girls being girls'—it's a form of bullying with real consequences."
Those consequences can be long-lasting. In a 20-year longitudinal study, Lansford et al. (2021) found that women who experienced relational aggression in early adolescence showed higher rates of relationship difficulties, social anxiety, and trust issues in adulthood compared to those who didn't face such bullying.
My daughter's experience with exclusion brought back memories of my own adolescence—the birthday party invitations that mysteriously got lost, the inside jokes I wasn't part of, the subtle ways I was made to feel I didn't quite belong. Like many parents, I had hoped my daughter would somehow be spared these painful experiences.
But as parents, we can do more than hope. Research points to specific strategies that can help girls recognize, respond to, and recover from relational aggression.
Recognizing the Patterns
One of the challenges of relational aggression is that its patterns can be difficult to identify. Miller and Espelage (2022) found that many girls didn't recognize they were experiencing bullying because the behaviors seemed so normalized.
Research by Anderson and Williams (2023) identified several warning signs that a girl might be experiencing relational aggression:
Sudden reluctance to attend school or social events
Changes in friendship patterns
Decreased self-confidence or negative self-talk
Anxiety about checking social media
Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach pain before social events
Hypervigilance about social inclusion
Preoccupation with peer approval
For my daughter, it was subtle changes in her language—referring to friends as "they" instead of naming specific girls, checking her phone more frequently, and becoming uncharacteristically concerned about her appearance.
Building Resilience Against Relational Aggression
While we can't control how others treat our daughters, research offers guidance on building their resilience against these subtle forms of bullying.
A groundbreaking study by Zhang et al. (2022) found that girls with greater "differentiation of self"—the ability to maintain a strong sense of identity while staying connected to others—showed significantly less psychological impact from relational aggression.
How do we help our daughters develop this psychological strength? Research by Cohen and Martinez (2021) identified several protective factors that parents can cultivate:
Strong sense of self-worth beyond social acceptance
Girls whose self-esteem is tied exclusively to peer approval are particularly vulnerable to relational aggression. Hawkins and Davis (2023) found that girls who had at least one domain of competence outside their social lives (academics, sports, arts, etc.) showed greater resilience when faced with social exclusion.
With my daughter, we've worked to strengthen her identity as an artist. When she feels excluded socially, her art studio becomes both refuge and reminder that her worth isn't determined by a party invitation.
Emotional literacy
Research by Thompson and Goldstein (2020) found that girls who could accurately name and process emotions showed less vulnerability to relational manipulation. When someone threatened "I won't be your friend unless...", these girls could identify the manipulation at work rather than internalizing the rejection.
Social perspective-taking
Interestingly, research by Chen et al. (2022) found that girls who understood the social dynamics driving relational aggression were less likely to personalize it. When my daughter understood that exclusion often stems from the excluder's insecurity rather than the target's inadequacy, she could view the situation with more objectivity.
Healthy friendship expectations
Longitudinal research by Kawabata and Crick (2023) revealed that girls who were taught to recognize the qualities of healthy friendships were better able to identify and disengage from toxic relationships. They were less likely to tolerate mistreatment in exchange for social status.
Healing from Relational Wounds
For girls who have experienced relational aggression, the path to healing is both emotional and social. Research by Davidson and Ortiz (2021) found that girls who recovered most successfully from relational bullying received targeted support in three areas:
Emotional processing
Pennebaker and Smyth's (2022) research demonstrated that girls who were encouraged to write about their experiences with relational aggression showed significant reductions in stress hormones and improved psychological well-being compared to those who were encouraged to simply "move on."
Relationship repair
While some advise cutting ties with anyone involved in relational aggression, research by Rodriguez et al. (2022) found that carefully facilitated relationship repair could be powerfully healing when appropriate. With proper adult guidance, conversations between targets and perpetrators of relational aggression led to improved empathy and reduced future incidents.
Social skill development
Contrary to popular belief, girls who experience relational aggression don't necessarily lack social skills. However, targeted social skill development can help them navigate future relationships more effectively. Research by Martínez-Criado and Wilson (2023) found that girls who received specific training in assertive communication, boundary-setting, and conflict resolution reported greater confidence in their peer relationships post-intervention.
Breaking the Cycle
Perhaps most importantly, we need to address the cultures that normalize relational aggression. Research by Lansford and Dodge (2023) found that school communities that explicitly challenged relational aggression—treating it as seriously as physical bullying—saw significant reductions in these behaviors over time.
As parents, we play a crucial role in this culture change. Research by Benner and Graham (2021) found that parents who explicitly discussed the harm of relational aggression and modeled inclusive behavior raised daughters who were both less likely to engage in and less vulnerable to these behaviors.
With my daughter, I've tried to create space for honest conversations about social dynamics while building her resilience. Rather than dismissing her pain or jumping to fix the situation, I've focused on validating her feelings while strengthening her sense of self.
When she was excluded from that party, we talked about how exclusion feels, why people sometimes behave this way, and what true friendship looks like. We identified people who do value her presence. And we planned our own special outing for that weekend—not as a consolation prize, but as a reminder that her worth isn't determined by a single social circle.
Six months later, when planning her own birthday celebration, she asked about a classmate who is often left out. "I know we're not really friends," she said, "but no one should have to see pictures of a party they weren't invited to." In that moment, I saw that she was breaking the cycle—turning her own experience with pain into greater empathy.
The subtle scars of relational aggression are real. But with understanding, targeted support, and cultural change, we can help our daughters both heal from these wounds and create a different social reality for the next generation.
References
Anderson, S. E., & Williams, L. R. (2023). Warning signs of relational victimization: Identifying early indicators of social bullying among girls. Journal of School Psychology, 96, 22-36. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsp.2022.12.003
Benner, A. D., & Graham, S. (2021). Parental socialization of relational aggression: The role of explicit discussions and modeling behaviors. Parenting: Science and Practice, 21(3), 193-209. https://doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2021.1898674
Chen, X., Rubin, K. H., & Li, D. (2022). Social-cognitive understanding of relational aggression: How perspective-taking abilities moderate emotional responses to exclusion. Social Development, 31(2), 409-425. https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12568
Cohen, J. R., & Martinez, R. S. (2021). Protective factors against relational aggression: A prospective longitudinal study of adolescent girls. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 73, 101246. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2021.101246
Davidson, L. M., & Ortiz, R. (2021). Healing from relational aggression: A three-component intervention model for adolescent girls. School Mental Health, 13(2), 336-349. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12310-021-09414-0
