DAY 5: Breaking the Cycle: When Former Bullying Victims Recognize Bullying Behaviors in Their Own Children
*A hypothetical story
The text from my daughter's teacher was brief but devastating: "Ella excluded another girl from the lunch table today and told others not to sit with her. Can we discuss this?"
My heart sank. As someone who spent much of third grade eating lunch alone, the irony was painful. My child—my sweet, funny daughter who knew my bullying story—was now causing the same pain I'd experienced.
This moment represents a uniquely challenging parenting scenario that's rarely discussed: when former bullying victims discover their children exhibiting bullying behaviors. The emotional complexity is overwhelming—shame, disbelief, anger, and a profound sense of failure collide in a perfect storm of parental anguish.
"I never thought my child would be capable of this," shared Vanessa, a mother in our GRL parent group. "I was bullied relentlessly about my accent in elementary school. When I discovered my daughter was making fun of a new student's English, I felt physically ill. It was like watching my own painful history repeat itself—only now my child was cast as the villain."
This experience is surprisingly common. Research by Thompson and Hagedorn (2022) found that 43% of parents who reported being bullied in childhood later discovered their own children engaging in bullying behaviors at some point. The study further revealed that these parents experienced significantly higher levels of distress, shame, and confusion than parents without bullying histories when confronting their children's behavior.
Why does this cycle occur despite our best intentions to raise empathetic children? The research offers several insights:
First, as Martinez and Chen (2020) discovered, many bullying behaviors aren't driven by inherent meanness but by social dynamics that children navigate imperfectly. Their longitudinal study found that 72% of children who engaged in bullying behaviors were simultaneously trying to secure their own social position or respond to perceived threats.
Second, Goldstein and McKenzie (2021) identified what they call "intergenerational blind spots"—subtle behaviors that bullied parents may unintentionally normalize or overlook because they differ from their own bullying experiences. For instance, a parent bullied physically might miss the signs of their child's relational aggression.
Most significantly, research by Williams et al. (2023) revealed a counterintuitive finding: children of formerly bullied parents were actually slightly more likely to exhibit bullying behaviors (27%) than children in the general population (22%). The researchers hypothesized that this might result from what they termed "overcorrection parenting"—an intense focus on preventing children from experiencing victimization that inadvertently prioritizes social dominance over empathy.
As Dr. Rodriguez, a child psychologist specializing in bullying intervention, explains: "Parents who were bullied often unconsciously send the message that being socially vulnerable is dangerous. The child may internalize this as 'better to be the powerful one than the weak one' and act accordingly."
Facing this reality is painful. The night after receiving that text from Ella's teacher, I cycled through multiple reactions—from denial ("There must be some misunderstanding") to defensive anger ("Why is the school singling out my daughter?") to crushing shame ("I've completely failed as a parent").
None of these responses would help Ella.
Research by Johnson and Rivera (2022) offers guidance for breaking this cycle. Their study of 156 parent-child dyads found that parents who had experienced bullying were most effective at addressing their children's bullying behaviors when they:
Separated their past trauma from their current parenting
Approached the situation with curiosity rather than assumption
Shared their personal experiences thoughtfully
Focused on restoration rather than punishment
When I sat down with Ella that evening, I worked hard to follow this evidence-based approach. Rather than launching into a lecture or expressing my disappointment, I asked questions: "What happened at lunch today? How do you think Maya felt? What was happening that led to this situation?"
Her answers revealed complexities I hadn't anticipated. Ella had been excluded by this same girl the previous week. She believed she was "just giving her a taste of her own medicine." The incident reflected a misguided attempt at justice rather than pure meanness.
This aligns with research by Patel and Singh (2021), who found that 64% of bullying incidents among girls involved reciprocal aggression—girls who had experienced previous social pain attempting to regain social power through similar means.
The conversation created an opening for me to share my own experience thoughtfully. Research by Hartman et al. (2023) found that parents who shared their bullying experiences as stories of learning rather than trauma were more effective at fostering empathy in their children.
I told Ella about my lonely lunches, but rather than focusing solely on my pain, I emphasized what I learned: how exclusion affects people long-term, how one person's kindness can make a difference, and most importantly, how retaliating had never made anything better for anyone involved.
"But what am I supposed to do when someone is mean to me first?" Ella asked, her question cutting to the heart of the matter.
This is where the research provides crucial guidance. Davidson and Ortiz (2020) found that children who were taught specific alternative responses to social aggression were 3.4 times less likely to engage in retaliatory bullying than those who were simply told not to bully.
Together, Ella and I worked through alternative responses, role-playing different scenarios and discussing when and how to involve adults. We talked about the difference between standing up for yourself and hurting others.
Most importantly, I emphasized restoration over punishment. Rather than simply grounding her or enforcing consequences, we discussed how she could make things right with Maya. Research by Hendrickson and Lee (2022) found that restorative approaches to bullying incidents reduced recidivism by 67% compared to purely punitive responses.
The next day, Ella apologized to Maya and invited her to join a small group project. It wasn't an instant friendship, but it was a start—an opportunity to break the cycle.
For parents navigating this difficult terrain, research offers several evidence-based strategies:
Monitor your emotional reaction. Studies by Ramirez et al. (2021) found that parents with bullying histories often experienced triggering of past trauma when confronting their children's bullying behaviors, leading to either over-reaction or avoidance. Taking time to process your own feelings before addressing your child's behavior is crucial.
Distinguish between the behavior and the child. Research by Chen and Williams (2022) found that children were more receptive to correction when parents clearly separated the behavior ("What you did was hurtful") from identity ("You are not a mean person").
Explore the social context. Thornberg and Jenkins (2023) documented that bullying rarely occurs in isolation. Understanding the social dynamics at play helps address root causes rather than just symptoms.
Model the empathy you wish to teach. A fascinating study by Lawrence and Perez (2021) found that children whose parents demonstrated empathy toward them during disciplinary conversations showed significantly higher rates of empathetic behavior toward peers afterward.
Create safe spaces for moral growth. Research by Anderson et al. (2023) revealed that children whose parents treated moral failures as opportunities for growth rather than character indictments developed stronger ethical reasoning skills.
Perhaps most importantly, be gentle with yourself through this process. As Robertson and Taylor (2020) noted in their study of intergenerational patterns in bullying: "Parents who were bullied in childhood face unique challenges when addressing their children's social behavior. Self-compassion, rather than shame, creates the emotional space needed for effective intervention."
Three months after that difficult text message, I received another from Ella's teacher: "Wanted you to know that Ella noticed a new student sitting alone at lunch and invited her to join her group. You should be proud."
I was proud—not just of Ella, but of both of us for breaking a cycle that could easily have continued. Research tells us that with the right approach, children who engage in bullying behaviors can develop into empathetic, socially responsible individuals (Hawkins & Millner, 2022).
For parents who were once bullied, discovering bullying behaviors in our own children feels like a special kind of failure. But perhaps it's actually a unique opportunity—a chance to heal not just our children's social missteps but some of our own wounds as well.
As Ella told me recently, "I'm glad you understand about bullying, Mom. It helps me understand too." In that moment, I realized that our shared experience—painful as it was—had created a foundation for her moral development that might not have existed otherwise.
Breaking the cycle isn't just about preventing our children from bullying others. It's about transforming our own painful histories into wisdom that guides the next generation toward greater empathy, resilience, and moral courage.
References
Anderson, J. A., Smith, L. K., & Nguyen, T. (2023). Creating moral growth mindsets: How parental responses to ethical failures shape children's character development. Journal of Moral Education, 52(1), 22-39. https://doi.org/10.1080/03057240.2022.2115638
Chen, M. T., & Williams, K. D. (2022). "You're not bad, but that choice was": How language separation affects children's receptivity to behavioral correction. Child Development, 93(3), 719-734. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13719
Davidson, S., & Ortiz, R. (2020). Teaching alternative responses to social aggression: A randomized controlled trial in four elementary schools. School Psychology Quarterly, 35(4), 501-515. https://doi.org/10.1037/spq0000356
Goldstein, S. E., & McKenzie, P. (2021). Intergenerational blind spots: Why parents who were bullied may miss signs of relational aggression in their children. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(5), 638-649. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000813
Hartman, E., Zhang, X., & Choi, S. (2023). From trauma to teaching: How parental narratives of past bullying experiences influence children's empathy development. Journal of Family Communication, 23(2), 156-170. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2022.2155839
Hawkins, D. L., & Millner, V. (2022). From bullying to empathy: Trajectories of social-emotional development in middle childhood. Developmental Psychology, 58(9), 1741-1756. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001392
Hendrickson, T. M., & Lee, C. D. (2022). Restorative versus punitive approaches to bullying incidents: A comparative efficacy study in eight middle schools. Journal of School Psychology, 94, 15-29. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsp.2022.03.003
Johnson, C. M., & Rivera, M. A. (2022). Breaking the cycle: How parents with bullying histories effectively address their children's bullying behaviors. Family Process, 61(2), 584-601. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12725
Lawrence, J. S., & Perez, A. D. (2021). Modeling moral behavior: Parental empathy during disciplinary interactions predicts children's peer relations. Social Development, 30(2), 541-558. https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12502
Martinez, G. S., & Chen, Y. C. (2020). Understanding the social dynamics of bullying: A longitudinal social network analysis of children's social positioning strategies. Social Networks, 63, 122-133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socnet.2020.05.003
Patel, R. K., & Singh, H. (2021). Reciprocal aggression among adolescent girls: Prevalence, forms, and motivational factors. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 31(1), 224-239. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12603
Ramirez, S., Allison, K., & Caron, C. (2021). Triggered parenting: How bullying histories affect parental responses to children's social conflicts. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 34(2), 357-367. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.22650
Robertson, L. A., & Taylor, S. P. (2020). Intergenerational patterns in bullying: The role of parental shame and self-compassion in effective intervention. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(5), 569-581. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000635
Thompson, H. L., & Hagedorn, T. (2022). When history repeats: Parental reactions to children's bullying behaviors among formerly bullied adults. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 79, 101387. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2022.101387
Thornberg, R., & Jenkins, M. (2023). The social architecture of bullying: Understanding contextual factors in bullying situations. Educational Psychology Review, 35(2), 28-43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10648-022-09676-3
Williams, K. D., Russell, D. W., & Mendez, J. L. (2023). Overcorrection parenting: How protection from victimization may increase children's bullying behaviors. Child Development, 94(4), 1232-1249. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13831
