Removing expectations, removing judgement

I made a mistake. One that I think many of us make—often without realizing it.

I met someone who, on paper, seemed like a natural fit for friendship. We had so much in common: similar work, values, and lived experiences. I assumed we’d hit it off. I assumed we’d be close. But that didn’t happen. And when it didn’t, I labeled her—harshly—as “not a girls’ girl.”

That’s a heavy label for me. One that would feel devastating if it were placed on me. I shared my feelings with a few trusted friends, and their response gave me a reality check. They gently reminded me that it wasn’t about her being “not a girls’ girl”—it was just her personality. It wasn’t about gender, or even a lack of interest in community.

And then it hit me: I had placed societal expectations on her simply because she’s a woman. I assumed she was looking for sisterhood, open to connection, and eager to bond—just like me. I projected my expectations onto her without ever asking what she wanted. That’s on me.

I’ve been on the receiving end of labels and assumptions. I know how much they hurt. And yet, I did the very thing I resent. Realizing this helped me let go of the unspoken expectations I’d placed on her. And in doing so, I could finally see her—not as someone who didn’t meet my needs, but as a person with her own rhythm, pace, and priorities.

She’s not “not a girls’ girl.” She’s just… not my girl. And that’s okay.

The real lesson? We all fall into judgment traps. We set silent expectations, and when people don’t meet them, we get disappointed. But if we can recognize those moments, we can break free of them just as quickly. And from there, we can appreciate people for who they are—not who we hoped they’d be.