The Gender Trap: When Rest Feels Like a Risk

I know someone who is going through a lot right now. The kind of personal and professional weight that would rightfully call for a pause. Time to heal. Time to reflect. Time to just breathe.

But she doesn’t feel like she can take that time.

She holds a high-profile role in a male-dominated industry, and she knows how the story often goes for women like her:
If she slows down, she risks being perceived as weak.
If she takes space to recover, the murmurs begin:
“Where is she?”
“Is she slipping?”
“Can she handle it?”

This is the gender trap.
And it’s exhausting.

💬 What Is the Gender Trap?

The gender trap is the unspoken—but deeply felt—pressure for women, especially in leadership, to perform at peak levels at all times in order to maintain credibility, influence, and access. Rest becomes risky. Vulnerability becomes weaponized. And perfection becomes the price of inclusion.

As Tara Mohr writes in Playing Big, “Women are socialized to be likable, to not rock the boat, and to play by the rules. So we often don’t even realize when we’re shrinking ourselves.” That shrinking shows up in subtle ways — like powering through burnout, apologizing for being human, or masking mental health struggles for fear of professional consequences.

Tricia Hersey, founder of The Nap Ministry and author of Rest Is Resistance, frames it as a form of liberation:

“You are not a machine. Stop acting like one.”

She argues that in a society built on grind culture and systemic oppression, rest is not just self-care — it’s a radical act.

🚫 The Double Standard in Leadership

What’s particularly cruel about the gender trap is that rest, mental health breaks, and self-care are encouraged in theory — until women actually take them.

When men take space, it’s often seen as strategic or necessary.
When women do it, it’s perceived as emotional, unreliable, or a liability.

Reshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code and author of Pay Up, calls this the “Marshall Plan for Moms” moment — a cultural reckoning with the impossible expectations placed on women to do it all without ever faltering. She writes:

“We reward women for being martyrs, not for being whole.”

🛑 When “Strong” Becomes Harmful

We’ve glorified the strong woman archetype to the point of self-erasure.
But true strength isn’t about pushing through every storm without pause.
It’s about knowing when to slow down, to care for yourself, and to ask for help.

It’s also about changing the systems that make rest feel like failure.

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, psychiatrist and author of Real Self-Care, says this clearly:

“Self-care isn’t bubble baths and breathing exercises. It’s setting boundaries, saying no, and honoring your needs — even when it’s uncomfortable.”

💬 Why This Matters for Future Leaders

For women and girls watching, this pressure becomes internalized early.
If we don’t talk about it, name it, and challenge it, we risk raising a generation of leaders who believe they must sacrifice themselves to succeed.

At The GRL Initiative, we’re building a different blueprint.
We teach that strength includes softness.
That healing is part of the hustle.
That community is not a crutch — it’s the foundation.

🌱 Let’s Create a New Culture

Here’s what we believe:

• Rest is not weakness.

• Mental health is part of leadership.

• You don’t have to earn your humanity.

• You are not less capable for being in process.

• You are not alone.

Let’s stop pretending we can do it all without breaking.
Let’s build workplaces, communities, and leadership paths that expect us to be human.
Let’s support women who need time — not question them.

Because the future isn’t just female — it’s well.
And it’s whole.

If you're navigating your own version of this trap, or trying to support someone who is — reach out.
We’re here to help you rise, rest, and lead with love.

🖤
– The GRL Initiative

Suggested Reading + Thought Leaders

• Playing Big by Tara Mohr

• Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Hersey

• Pay Up by Reshma Saujani

• Real Self-Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin

• Burnout by Emily & Amelia Nagoski

• @thenapministry (Instagram)

• @poojalakshmin (Instagram)

• @reshmasaujani (Instagram)