The Double Standard of Humility: How Women Are Told to Shrink While Men Are Encouraged to Shine

"Don't Brag": The Gendered Language of Achievement

"You're so strong—for a girl."

"She's quite competitive, isn't she?"

"Maybe tone it down a bit in the meeting."

As women, we've heard these phrases our entire lives. We're taught to downplay our achievements, to attribute our successes to luck or teamwork, and to avoid appearing "too confident." I've found myself doing this dance countless times: being proud of lifting heavy at the gym but quickly adding, "but I'm still working on my form" or dominating a pickleball game but saying, "I just got lucky with those shots."

Meanwhile, men receive drastically different messaging. They're encouraged to stand tall, speak confidently about their capabilities, and claim their achievements without apology. The question becomes unavoidable: Why can't I simply say I'm good at something when I am?

The Research Backs It Up

This isn't just anecdotal—research consistently demonstrates this double standard:

A 2020 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that women who self-promote as much as men are rated as less likable and less hireable, despite being seen as equally competent. The researchers discovered that self-promoting women were perceived as "violating gender norms of modesty."

When analyzing performance reviews, researchers at Stanford found that women are 1.4 times more likely to receive critical subjective feedback than men. Women's reviews included phrases like "watch your tone" and "you come across as too aggressive," language rarely appearing in men's evaluations.

A linguistic analysis of over 200,000 performance reviews found that women were described as "supportive," "collaborative," and "helpful" even when in leadership positions, while men were characterized as "confident," "ambitious," and "assertive."

The Language Trap

The language expectations placed on women create a nearly impossible situation:

What Women Are Told To Be What Men Are Told To Be Modest Confident Supportive Assertive Accommodating Direct Team-oriented Leadership-focused Understated Bold

This stark contrast extends to how we're expected to talk about ourselves. Women are coached to use softening language:

• "I think maybe..." instead of "I know..."

• "I'm pretty good at..." instead of "I excel at..."

• "I helped with..." instead of "I led..."

• "We accomplished..." instead of "I accomplished..."

The Athleticism Paradox

Athletics presents a particularly challenging arena for this double standard. When a man performs well athletically, it's expected he'll acknowledge his skills. When women do the same, we're often labeled as arrogant or unfeminine.

So what about my athletic abilities? I'm genuinely good at lifting heavy weights. My hand-eye coordination gives me an edge in pickleball and other sports. These aren't opinions—they're demonstrated facts based on performance.

But the societal expectation is that I should wait for others to notice and comment on these abilities rather than acknowledging them myself. I should deflect compliments rather than accepting them. I should attribute my success to anything but my own hard work and natural ability.

This expectation creates a feedback loop: when women don't articulate their strengths, those strengths become less visible and less valued.

The Cost of False Modesty

This cultural pressure toward false humility isn't just personally frustrating—it has serious professional and societal consequences:

1. Wage disparities persist: When women downplay achievements during salary negotiations, they often receive lower compensation.

2. Leadership gaps widen: Women who don't advocate for themselves are less likely to be considered for promotions and leadership positions.

3. Confidence gaps develop: Constantly minimizing accomplishments eventually leads to internalized doubt about one's actual abilities.

4. Role model scarcity: When successful women hide their light, younger women don't see examples of confident female achievement.

Breaking the Pattern

Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward changing it. Here are ways we can begin shifting this dynamic:

• Practice stating achievements directly: "I'm an excellent weightlifter" is a complete sentence that needs no qualifiers.

• Eliminate undermining language: Remove "just," "kind of," and "sort of" from descriptions of your accomplishments.

• Accept compliments directly: Replace "Oh, it was nothing" with "Thank you, I worked hard on that."

• Call out double standards: When you notice women being criticized for behaviors that are praised in men, name it.

• Amplify other women: When you see female colleagues downplaying their contributions, publicly recognize their work.

Owning Your Excellence

The truth is, I am good at lifting heavy things. I do excel at pickleball. My hand-eye coordination is excellent. These aren't bragging statements—they're accurate assessments of my abilities.

Women have been conditioned to believe that acknowledging our strengths somehow diminishes us or threatens others. But owning our excellence isn't arrogance—it's honesty. It's time we stopped conflating female confidence with conceit and started recognizing it for what it truly is: an accurate self-assessment backed by performance.

The next time you feel compelled to understate your abilities, pause and ask yourself: Would a male colleague feel the need to minimize this achievement? If not, why should you?

The GRL Initiative works to empower women through recognition of systemic barriers and development of strategies to overcome them. Learn more at grlinitiative.org