BELONGING FOR GIRLS & WOMEN
Identity + Connection = Belonging
The Truth About Belonging
If I’ve learned anything about belonging, it’s this: it is not permanent.
It’s not a club you get into and suddenly you’re set for life. Belonging shifts as you shift. As your identity grows, your connections change, and your sense of belonging changes right along with them. The relationships, spaces, and communities that felt right at one stage of your life may feel foreign in another. And that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re evolving.
Belonging is a feeling, not a membership. It’s a deep breath you didn’t realize you were holding. It’s the comfort of a cozy sweatshirt. It’s your favorite chair. Fresh air. A warm beverage on a cold day. Ease. Familiarity. Safety. Your whole self exhaling.
Most of us don’t realize how hard we’re working to fit in until we finally experience belonging. Then you feel the difference instantly.
There have been times in my life where I deeply belonged—usually in spaces where I could be loud, intense, passionate, strategic, or straight-up too much without someone trying to turn the volume down on me. And then there were the times when belonging disappeared. Suddenly everything felt heavier. The conversations. The expectations. The energy it required just to show up.
As I grew in leadership, those belonging moments became fewer and farther between. Not because I became less worthy of belonging, but because leadership often moves you into rooms where very few people look like you, lead like you, or live like you. You don’t lose your identity when you rise; you just find yourself surrounded by fewer mirrors.
And to be honest, I thought I was the problem. I thought I was doing belonging wrong. I kept trying harder—being agreeable, adapting quickly, playing the part, wearing what others wore, engaging in the banter. I could fit in anywhere. I’m skilled at it. Many women are. Especially women in leadership.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth I had to name: fitting in is not belonging. Fitting in is performance. Belonging is ease.
I noticed it most in national leadership meetings. Rooms filled with people who do the same job I do. People who, technically, should be “my people.” Except they weren’t. I fit in, but I didn’t belong. I was welcome but not understood. Respected but not seen. Present but not connected. There’s a difference, and you feel it in your body.
Belonging doesn’t ask you to shrink. Fitting in almost always does.
This guide is about helping girls and women name that difference, understand it, and reclaim the power of belonging as the emotional foundation of confidence, identity, and wellbeing. Belonging is not something you earn. It’s something you experience when your identity and your connections align.
Identity + Connection = Belonging.
This is the heart of the GRL Initiative. And this is the work that changes girls—and women—from the inside out.
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Why Belonging Matters for Girls and Women
Belonging is not a luxury. It is a developmental need. For girls, belonging shapes identity formation in ways that influence emotional health, social skills, confidence, leadership, and the ability to advocate for themselves well into adulthood. For women, belonging anchors identity in a world that constantly asks them to play roles.
1. Belonging Shapes Identity
Adolescence is the period where identity is built, tested, and redefined. Girls learn who they are not by thinking about themselves in isolation, but through social mirrors—friends, teammates, teachers, adults, environments. Belonging provides the emotional safety and relational grounding for girls to experiment with identity without fear of judgment.
Research consistently shows that girls who experience belonging are more likely to develop:
• self-confidence
• strong communication skills
• resilience
• academic engagement
• healthy boundaries
• positive emotion regulation
Belonging acts as the scaffolding for stepping into oneself.
2. Belonging Protects Mental Health
Girls who do not feel they belong are far more vulnerable to:
• anxiety
• depression
• loneliness
• perfectionism
• people-pleasing
• social withdrawal
• self-doubt
Belonging provides the emotional buffering needed during difficult developmental periods. It reduces risk factors and increases protective factors.
Women’s mental health follows the same pattern. Adults who lack belonging experience greater burnout, emotional exhaustion, insecurity around voice, and disconnection from self.
3. Belonging Enables Healthy Relationships
Connection is not automatic. Girls learn relational skills—empathy, courage, honesty, conflict resolution, repair—in environments where belonging is intentionally fostered. Without belonging, girls often default to comparison, masking, and self-silencing. With belonging, they develop the confidence to show up honestly.
4. Belonging Builds Leadership
Leadership is relational. Girls who feel they belong are more likely to speak up, take risks, contribute ideas, and challenge systems. Belonging gives girls the internal permission to take up space.
Women’s leadership research reinforces the same truth: women lead most effectively in environments where they feel psychologically safe and connected. Belonging fuels leadership; fitting in drains it.
5. Belonging Matters Even More in Minority Spaces
Girls of color, LGBTQ+ youth, girls in rural areas, and girls in male-dominated or low-diversity environments (like Vermont) face unique belonging barriers. Women in leadership—especially sectors with only 10 to 20 percent women—face parallel challenges.
Women and girls who are “the only one” or “one of a few” often experience:
• heightened self-monitoring
• pressure to represent
• performance masking
• internalized self-doubt
• decreased sense of safety
Belonging is not about majority or minority status—it’s about whether the environment makes space for your authentic identity. When the environment does, belonging emerges. When it doesn’t, girls learn to shrink.
Fitting In vs. Belonging
Girls do not come into the world trying to fit in. They learn it. They learn it early. And they learn it well.
Fitting in is a survival skill—something girls develop in order to stay safe, accepted, or socially invisible when necessary. It is adaptive, strategic, and often praised. Girls who can read a room quickly, soften their voice, change their tone, or make themselves easy to be around are rewarded socially. But here’s the cost: they learn to perform versions of themselves instead of living as themselves.
Fitting in is external.
Belonging is internal.
Fitting in asks:
What version of me will be accepted here?
Belonging asks:
What version of me feels like me?
Fitting in requires constant calibration. It is exhausting. Girls describe it as “turning themselves down,” “playing the role,” “not sounding too confident,” or “making sure nobody thinks I’m doing too much.” Women describe it the same way. Decades later, the language doesn’t change. The cost simply compounds.
Belonging, in contrast, is effortlessness. It is not passive, but it is not performative. Belonging is when you can be honest about who you are, how you think, what you value, what you want, and what you struggle with—and it all still feels safe.
There is no identity tax. No self-editing. No monitoring. No shrinking. No calculating the emotional risk of being fully known.
Girls who experience belonging learn to trust their own voice. Girls who only experience fitting in learn to second-guess it.
This is why so many girls grow up believing they are “bad at belonging.” They think they’re doing something wrong because fitting in feels exhausting. But exhaustion is not a sign of failure—it is a sign the environment is misaligned.
You were never supposed to thrive in a place that requires you to be smaller than you are.
Many women do not discover this difference until adulthood, when they finally enter a room—or a relationship—where they belong. Suddenly their nervous system softens. Their guard drops. They recognize the relief they’ve been craving for years. Belonging shows up instantly. Fitting in needs maintenance.
And here’s the important truth:
You can fit in beautifully and still not belong at all.
Especially in leadership.
When you are one of the only women in a room, or one of the only people of color in a predominantly white environment (like many Vermont communities), or one of the only LGBTQ+ individuals in a traditional space, you can be welcomed without ever being truly known. You can be respected without being seen. You can be included without belonging.
Belonging is not about whether you deserve to be in the room.
It’s about whether you can be yourself in the room.
Identity + Connection = Belonging
The GRL Signature Equation
Belonging does not happen by accident. It emerges when two core conditions align:
Identity
and
Connection
Belonging is the emotional experience that sits at their intersection.
Let’s break them down.
IDENTITY: Who am I?
Identity is your internal truth.
It is all the parts of yourself that exist whether anyone notices them or not.
For girls, identity includes:
• strengths
• values
• temperament
• interests
• emotions
• boundaries
• leadership style
• voice
Identity is not who adults say you are.
Identity is who you know yourself to be when nobody is watching.
Girls cannot belong if they do not know who they are.
Women cannot belong if they have spent years performing.
This is why identity work is foundational. Without identity, girls become social chameleons—adept at fitting in but disconnected from themselves.
Identity is the first half of the belonging equation.
CONNECTION: Who sees me, hears me, and understands me?
Connection is the relational truth.
It is the experience of being understood by others—not perfectly, but accurately enough to feel safe.
Connection asks:
• Who energizes me?
• Who listens well?
• Who recognizes my real personality?
• Who invites my strengths?
• Who doesn’t punish my intensity?
• Who can hold my emotions without fear?
• Who makes me feel like I don’t have to perform?
Girls often mistake proximity for connection. They believe they “should” feel close to people simply because they share classes, teams, friend groups, or social circles. Women do the same with coworkers, committees, and professional rooms.
But connection is not about who is near you.
It is about who understands you.
Girls need peer relationships, mentors, teachers, coaches, and adults who reflect their identity back to them accurately. This alignment is what protects them emotionally and strengthens their voice.
Connection is the second half of the belonging equation.
BELONGING: The Intersection of Identity and Connection
Belonging emerges when identity and connection align.
You know who you are.
And someone else knows you too.
You feel safe being your real self.
And the environment supports that self, not a softened version.
Belonging is not about being the same as others.
It is about being yourself with others.
Girls describe belonging as:
• “I can breathe.”
• “I don’t feel watched.”
• “I don’t have to pretend.”
• “They get me.”
• “I’m not too much here.”
• “I feel comfortable.”
Women describe belonging the exact same way—but often notice it only after years of fitting in.
Belonging is the emotional ease of authenticity.
It is the psychological safety of being your whole self.
It is the confidence that you do not have to shrink.
Identity + Connection = Belonging.
This equation helps girls name what they are experiencing. It helps women rewrite stories that blamed themselves for years of exhaustion. And it gives all of us a map for building communities where girls and women can grow, lead, and live without performing.
Identity Safety and Third Spaces
Why Girls & Women Need Places Where Their Full Self Is Allowed to Exist
Identity safety is the condition that allows belonging to exist at all.
It answers a single question: “Can I be me here without paying for it?”
Girls develop identity safety when environments communicate:
• Your voice matters.
• Your emotions are welcome.
• Your intensity isn’t too much.
• Your questions aren’t annoying.
• Your ambition isn’t threatening.
• Your identity isn’t up for debate.
Women experience identity safety in far fewer spaces.
Especially women in leadership, women in male-dominated fields, women from minority racial or gender identities in Vermont, and LGBTQ+ women who move through spaces without clear representation.
In many settings, girls and women learn to calibrate instead of exhale.
They become experts at noticing tone, reading the room, and adjusting their identity until it feels socially acceptable.
This is fitting in.
It is not belonging.
This is where third spaces become essential.
What Is a Third Space? (Your Signature Definition)
A third space is where your identity can expand without judgment. It’s where your energy doesn’t need to be softened, your strengths don’t need to be translated, and your full personality doesn’t need to be compressed into something smaller or more polite.
A third space feels like a cozy sweatshirt, a deep breath, your favorite warm beverage, fresh air, or the couch spot no one else is allowed to sit in.
It is the emotional exhale girls and women don’t get enough of.
Your third space might be:
• a sport
• a gym or studio
• a writing group
• a creative community
• a team
• a hobby or craft
• a book club
• a friend group
• a supportive online community
A third space isn’t defined by what you do there but by how you feel there.
Girls need third spaces because they are learning who they are. Women need them because they are relearning who they are.
Why Women Lose Their Third Spaces
Women lose belonging across adulthood because life narrows their identity into roles:
• mother
• partner
• leader
• teacher
• coach
• professional
• community member
• caretaker
• emotional anchor
Roles are responsibilities.
Third spaces reconnect women to identity.
Without them, women slowly disconnect from themselves.
Not because they fail at balance, but because belonging is not built into the structures of adulthood in the same way it is for children and teens.
Why Third Spaces Matter Even More in Homogeneous Communities
In a place like Vermont—where many rooms lack racial diversity, gender diversity, or LGBTQ+ representation—identity safety cannot be assumed. Being “the only one” or “one of a few” dramatically increases the emotional labor of showing up.
This doesn’t mean girls and women in minority positions don’t deserve to be there.
They absolutely do.
It simply means the environment was not designed with them in mind, so belonging requires more intention.
Third spaces give girls and women the opportunity to belong somewhere even when they don’t belong everywhere.
Belonging Red Flags (For Girls and Women)
Signs the Environment Requires You to Shrink, Mask, or Perform
Belonging is felt in the body. So is the absence of it.
Red flags are not dramatic—they’re subtle, consistent patterns that leave girls and women emotionally tired, unseen, or inaccurately mirrored.
Here are signs an environment may be misaligned:
1. You leave feeling smaller than when you arrived.
Belonging expands the self. Fitting in compresses it.
2. You monitor your tone, your volume, or your emotions.
If you’re constantly self-editing, you’re surviving, not belonging.
3. Your intensity, ambition, or voice feel “too much” for the room.
Women in leadership report this constantly.
4. Conversations feel performative, not connective.
You’re talking, but you’re not being known.
5. Diversity is lacking, and the burden of representation falls on you.
Especially true for girls of color, LGBTQ+ youth, and women in male-dominated spaces.
6. You feel tolerated, not valued.
There’s a difference between being welcomed and being wanted.
7. Humor requires translation.
If you can’t joke the way you normally do, you’re contorting.
8. You’re praised for being “low maintenance,” “easy,” or “chill.”
Translation: your needs don’t inconvenience us.
9. The rules of the group are unspoken but clearly enforced.
Rooms like this require compliance, not authenticity.
10. You are exhausted afterward.
Not tired. Exhausted. Because fitting in burns emotional fuel.
These red flags are not indictments of the environment. They are data points for the self. They help girls and women name the emotional cost they are paying to remain in a space.
Belonging Green Flags (For Girls and Women)
Signs the Environment Is Safe Enough for You to Bring Your Whole Self
Green flags show the presence of identity safety, emotional ease, and connection—all precursors to belonging.
1. You can breathe normally.
Your nervous system is calm.
2. You can be intense, funny, messy, emotional, thoughtful—whatever you are—and it isn’t punished.
Your personality is not a liability.
3. People understand your humor without needing an explanation.
This is one of the clearest markers of belonging for adults.
4. There is warmth at entry.
Not formality. Warmth.
5. You feel safe disagreeing.
Conflict doesn’t threaten your standing in the group.
6. You leave feeling fuller, not drained.
You feel fed, not depleted.
7. You don’t have to over-explain your identity.
You are not responsible for educating everyone else in the room.
8. People check in with your emotional world, not just your productivity.
They see the human, not just the role.
9. You don’t feel like the only one.
Representation may not be perfect, but you’re not holding the identity burden alone.
10. You recognize yourself in this space.
You’re not adjusting parts of your personality to survive it.
These green flags are the entry points to belonging—but belonging itself is the feeling that emerges when identity and connection meet with enough consistency to feel safe.
How Girls Learn Belonging
(Practical Steps for Parents, Coaches, Schools, and Communities)
Girls are not born knowing how to belong. They learn it from the environments and adults around them. The way families, schools, youth programs, and teams respond to girls’ identities directly shapes whether they grow into women who feel confident and connected—or women who shrink, mask, and over-function in relationships.
Belonging is not taught by telling girls to be nicer, quieter, more agreeable, or “easier.”
It is taught through experiences that help them feel seen, heard, understood, and valued.
Below are the four core practices that help girls develop belonging in a healthy, sustainable way.
1. Teach Identity First
Girls cannot belong if they do not know who they are.
Identity work starts early and continues for life.
Adults can nurture identity by helping girls explore:
• What makes you feel alive?
• What do you value?
• What strengths do you notice in yourself?
• Where do you feel most like yourself?
• What feels “off” for you socially—and why?
Girls need adults who are curious about their truth, not adults who project their own expectations onto them.
Identity is the first step in belonging.
2. Build Connection That Matches Identity
Belonging happens when girls feel accurately understood. Not perfectly—just accurately enough that their inner world matches the reflection they see in relationships.
Adults can model and encourage connection by:
• Asking better questions (“What was the hardest part today?”)
• Listening without correcting or moralizing
• Helping girls name relational dynamics (“That sounds like performance, not belonging.”)
• Encouraging friendships that make them feel more themselves
• Making space for their voice, not just their compliance
Connection is the second step.
3. Create Environments of Psychological Safety
Environments teach belonging faster than any lesson plan.
Girls belong when:
• their emotions are validated
• their mistakes aren’t weaponized
• their intensity isn’t treated as a flaw
• adults regulate themselves
• conflict is handled respectfully
• teams and classes are inclusive
• representation is present
• identity isn’t on trial
Schools, teams, and youth programs hold immense influence here. A single emotionally-safe coach or teacher can shape belonging for years.
4. Model Belonging Behavior as Adults
Girls learn belonging from watching the women around them.
They watch how you:
• set boundaries
• choose your friendships
• handle conflict
• speak about your needs
• talk about your identity
• value yourself
• exit unhealthy spaces
• refuse to shrink in rooms that can’t hold you
If a girl sees a woman constantly masking, apologizing, or fitting in, she will learn to do the same.
If she sees a woman choosing herself, she will learn courage.
Girls don’t just need belonging.
They need to see belonging.
Relearning Belonging as Women
(Undoing Years of Fitting In)
At some point, almost every woman looks around her life and realizes:
“I don’t belong in the places I’ve been working so hard to fit into.”
This moment is disorienting—yet profoundly liberating.
Women often reach adulthood carrying decades of fitting-in habits:
• shrinking their personality
• being the adaptable one
• being the peacemaker
• avoiding conflict
• managing others’ emotions
• playing the part of who they “should” be
But belonging in adulthood requires unlearning all of that.
Women must relearn:
1. Who they are
Not the role they’ve played.
Not the version the world preferred.
The truest version.
2. What kind of people reflect them accurately
Identity changes. Connection must evolve too.
3. How to be honest about their needs
This is the crucial, often uncomfortable part.
4. How to leave spaces where they “fit in” but don’t belong
There is no reward for staying small.
5. How to build or return to third spaces
Movement, creativity, community, environments that don’t require performance.
6. How to find belonging in leadership
Leadership is lonely unless women find communities where they can be unfiltered.
7. How to build friendships based on depth, not proximity
Proximity is convenience. Belonging is intentional.
Women often believe they’ve failed at belonging when the truth is simpler:
The spaces they were in could not hold who they were becoming.
Belonging isn’t a reward for having the right personality.
It’s the result of being in the right environment.
Conclusion:
Belonging Isn’t a Place. It’s a Feeling.
Girls and women do not need more instructions on how to fit in. They do not need to be told to be smaller, nicer, easier, quieter, more agreeable, less emotional, or less ambitious. They need spaces where they can bring their entire identity without fear. They need relationships that make room for their voice, their intensity, their humor, their softness, their depth, and their truth.
Belonging is not permanent. It shifts as we shift. And that is the point.
As identity evolves, connection evolves. As connection evolves, belonging evolves.
Belonging is a deep breath.
Belonging is a cozy sweatshirt.
Belonging is the chair that feels like yours.
Belonging is fresh air.
Belonging is the warm beverage on a cold day.
Belonging is the moment you stop monitoring and start being.
Girls need it. Women need it.
And it is never too late—or too early—to find it again.
Belonging is not about being accepted.
It’s about being yourself.
Identity + Connection = Belonging.
This is the GRL way.
Notes
American Psychological Association. “Belonging and Psychological Safety in Adolescence,” 2022.
Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice, Harvard University Press, 1982.
Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, Random House, 2021.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System,” 2023.
Girls Leadership Institute. “Belonging, Gender, and Girls’ Development,” 2021.
University of Pennsylvania, Positive Psychology Center. “Belonging and Emotional Regulation,” 2020.
National Women’s Law Center. “Gender, Leadership, and Belonging in Male-Dominated Spaces,” 2022.
UCLA Center for the Developing Adolescent. “Identity, Connection, and Belonging in Teen Girls,” 2021.
Pew Research Center. “Friendship, Community, and the Belonging Decline among Millennials,” 2022.
Women’s Sports Foundation. “Leadership, Representation, and Gender Equity in Sports,” 2020.