When Your Child Plays Up: How to Support Them Emotionally & Socially

Maybe you said yes before you had all the information.
Maybe the coach asked and it felt like an opportunity you couldn’t pass up.
Maybe your daughter was excited — or nervous — but you wanted her to have the chance.

Now you’re watching her navigate older teammates, higher expectations, more pressure, or decreased confidence.

And you’re wondering:
What do we do now?

Here’s the good news:
Playing up isn’t inherently harmful. What matters is the support system around your child. And with the right guidance, she can stay confident, connected, and grounded — even if the move wasn’t perfectly timed.

This post walks you through what to look for, how to help, and how to make decisions going forward, using both your intuition and research-backed insights.

1. Start With a Belonging Check-In

Belonging is the #1 predictor of whether kids stay in sports — especially girls.
The Aspen Institute’s Project Play and the Women’s Sports Foundation both highlight belonging as central to confidence, motivation, and long-term participation.

Ask gentle, open-ended questions:

• “Do you feel connected to your teammates?”
• “Who do you feel most comfortable with?”
• “Do you feel like you can be yourself on this team?”
• “Is there anyone you look forward to seeing at practice?”

Girls are especially sensitive to social dynamics.
If belonging is missing, enjoyment often disappears next.

2. Normalize the Identity Shift — She Went From Star to Newcomer

One of the emotional shocks of playing up is the overnight identity change.

Yesterday she was:

• the leader
• the skilled one
• the center of the lineup
• the kid who got celebrated

Today she might be:

• the youngest
• the smallest
• the least experienced
• the one trying to keep up

Research from JAMA Pediatrics shows that perceived competence — not actual skill — heavily influences sport confidence and retention. When perceived competence drops suddenly, kids question everything.

Help her reframe the shift:

“You didn’t get worse — the environment changed. You’re still talented, and this is a new challenge you’re learning to navigate.”

3. Monitor Stress Before It Becomes Burnout

Girls often internalize stress quietly. You might notice:

• sudden stomach aches before practice
• difficulty sleeping
• new perfectionism
• comparing herself to older players
• reluctance to talk about practices
• a loss of joy

The CDC’s Youth Development research warns that a mismatch between developmental readiness and environmental demands increases anxiety and decreases motivation.

You don’t need to panic — you just need to notice.

If stress is rising, it means she needs more support or a different level of play.

4. Help Her Keep Friendships at Her Own Age

When playing up:

Her teammates get older.
Her role gets smaller.

Her social world shifts.

The Women’s Sports Foundation consistently notes that social connection is one of the key reasons girls participate — and one of the key reasons they leave.

Protect her friendships with peers her own age.
Let her spend time with teammates from her original team.
Create opportunities for play that isn’t performance-based.

She needs a place where she feels seen and grounded.

5. Clarify Expectations With the Coach

Most coaches don’t mean harm.
Many just underestimate the emotional labor of playing up.

Ask the coach:

• “What’s her role on this team right now?”
• “How are you supporting younger players socially and emotionally?”
• “What specific skills are you developing with her?”
• “What does success look like this season?”
• “How will you help her build confidence?”

You’re not being difficult — you’re being protective.

The Positive Coaching Alliance encourages clear communication and role clarity for all athletes, particularly when they are navigating new, higher-level environments.

6. Revisit Playing Time Honestly

This is where many families get stuck.

When you play up:

Playing time almost always goes down.

And playing time matters more than people want to admit.

Research from Project Play shows that meaningful minutes are directly tied to development and enjoyment. Sitting the bench means:

• fewer reps
• fewer successes
• fewer feedback opportunities
• less fun
• slower growth

If she is consistently on the bench, ask:

“Is she learning here, or just watching?”

There is no shame in deciding that development matters more than optics.

7. Give Her an Out — But Not a Push

Kids often stay in situations that feel too hard or too heavy because they don’t want to disappoint adults.

Give her language:

“It’s okay if this doesn’t feel like the right level for you right now.”
“You can try it for a few more weeks and then we can reassess.”
“You’re not behind — you’re learning what works for your body and your mind.”

The goal is not to rescue her.
The goal is to help her see herself clearly — with compassion.

8. Be Willing to Move Her Back to the Right Level

Here’s the truth that youth sports rarely say aloud:

Moving back to an age-appropriate team is not failure.
It’s not regression.
It’s not quitting.

It’s alignment.

Kids thrive when the environment matches their developmental stage. The Developmental Model of Sport Participation strongly supports keeping young athletes at levels that maintain confidence, belonging, and joy.

That’s how they stay in the game long-term.

Sometimes the bravest, healthiest choice is “not yet.”

The Bottom Line

If your daughter was pulled up and you’re seeing signs of:

• stress
• decreased confidence
• loss of belonging
• reduced joy
• bench-sitting
• social discomfort
• identity confusion

…it doesn’t mean she’s not talented.
It means the environment is ahead of her right now.

Your job isn’t to push her to keep up.
Your job is to protect her belonging and confidence so she wants to stay in sport, not burn out from it.

Right level, right now — that’s the path.

And you get to choose it with her.

— The GRL Initiative