The Hard 20% of Leadership: When Scrutiny Makes You Forget Who You Are

Can I tell you something I don’t think leaders say out loud enough? There are certain times of the year when I suddenly feel like everyone hates me. Not logically and not factually — but emotionally, that’s how it lands. And what’s strange is that nothing about me actually changes.

For most of the year — honestly, probably 80% of it — my relationships with the people I lead feel strong and grounded. We collaborate well, we assume good intentions, and there’s a rhythm of trust built through everyday interactions. Leadership feels human during those months. It feels connected.

Then there’s the other 20%.

These are the seasons where everything feels magnified. Decisions carry more weight, emails feel more permanent, and every word suddenly feels like it might be interpreted in ways you never intended. Even though I know these cycles exist, they still catch me off guard every time they arrive.

When You Stop Sounding Like Yourself

The hardest part isn’t disagreement — disagreement is part of leadership. The hardest part is realizing you’re no longer speaking as yourself. I find myself editing in real time, thinking about how something could be interpreted later or how it might sound if read without context.

Instead of leading naturally, I start predicting reactions. I choose safer words instead of honest ones. I anticipate problems before they exist. Without realizing it, I begin operating slightly outside of myself.

That’s masking. And masking is exhausting in a way that’s difficult to explain unless you’ve experienced it. Leadership stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like performance, and by the end of those days, I’m tired in a way sleep doesn’t really fix.

The Emotional Whiplash

What unsettles me most is how quickly perception can shift. The same leadership that felt collaborative a month ago suddenly feels questioned. The same intentions I carry every day somehow feel invisible in moments of tension.

I catch myself wondering whether people have forgotten the consistency that existed before the conflict. It creates an emotional whiplash — moving from trust to scrutiny without actually changing how you show up.

Even when I understand the dynamics intellectually, it still feels heavy.

When Emotions Fill the Room

High-pressure seasons bring heightened emotions. Stakes feel bigger, outcomes matter deeply, and disappointment needs somewhere to land. Often, that place becomes the person in charge.

As a woman in leadership, I’ve noticed there can be an added layer to this experience. Decisions sometimes become interpreted as motives. Clear boundaries can feel personal to others. Structure can be mistaken for secrecy.

Suddenly, the woman leading isn’t viewed as steady or principled — she’s viewed as suspicious. Even when she is operating exactly as she always has.

That part still surprises me, even though it probably shouldn’t anymore.

The Part We Don’t Talk About

You can love leadership and still feel hurt by it sometimes. You can believe deeply in your work and still feel lonely inside certain moments of it. Understanding that criticism comes with responsibility doesn’t make you immune to the emotional weight it carries.

Both strength and vulnerability can exist at the same time. Pretending otherwise is what makes leadership isolating for so many people.

What I’m Learning (Slowly)

I’m learning that these seasons don’t erase relationships; they temporarily distort them. Stress narrows perspective, and emotions often move faster than trust. The loudest moments can overshadow the quieter consistency that built relationships in the first place.

But the 80% still exists. The trust built over time doesn’t disappear simply because tension enters the room. Good intentions — mine and others’ — don’t vanish just because emotions get louder.

I’m learning that I don’t need to abandon myself just because the environment feels tense. I don’t need to become smaller or more guarded to lead well. And I don’t need to carry every emotion in the room as evidence that I’ve done something wrong.

If You’re Feeling This Too

Maybe you’re in one of those seasons right now — the kind where you feel watched, questioned, or misunderstood. If that’s true, I want you to know you’re not imagining the weight. Leadership visibility comes in waves, and some seasons simply feel heavier than others.

You are not defined by the loudest moment of the year. Life and leadership both move in rhythms — seasons of ease followed by seasons of scrutiny. The goal isn’t to avoid those moments but to remain yourself inside them.

Because the version of you that built trust during the quieter months is still there. And that version of you is still enough.

Pep Talk:

You don’t have to stop being human to be a good leader. You don’t have to mask to be respected. And you don’t have to feel liked every day to be leading exactly as you should.

Lead anyway.