The Science of Connection

After I finally named it — connection — I did what any good overthinker (and doctoral student) would do: I started reading everything I could find about it. I wanted to understand why it mattered so much, and how I could have built a full, functional life that looked connected on the outside but was quietly starving for it underneath.

The research is both comforting and sobering.
Because it turns out, this isn’t just about me. It’s about all of us.

What the Research Says

The longest-running study on happiness — the Harvard Study of Adult Development — followed people for more than 80 years. The number one predictor of long-term happiness and health?
Not money. Not success. Not fitness.
Relationships.

But not just having them — feeling connected within them.

Strong social connection doesn’t just make us happier; it literally keeps us alive longer. Disconnection, according to the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 report, increases the risk of early death as much as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.

That’s how serious this is.
Our bodies interpret isolation and loneliness as danger.

When we connect with others, our brains release oxytocin — the bonding hormone that reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and builds trust. When we feel excluded or unseen, our stress hormones spike. Our immune systems weaken. Even our sleep suffers.

We are wired to belong.

The Difference Between Belonging and Connection

Here’s what I’ve learned:
Belonging is the destination.
Connection is the road that takes you there.

Belonging is that deep sense of I’m part of this.
Connection is how we build it — through curiosity, shared emotion, presence, and attention.

You can belong to a group, a team, or a family and still feel lonely if connection is missing. That’s why you can sit in a crowded room and feel completely invisible. Belonging isn’t about proximity. It’s about presence.

It’s the difference between being invited and being included.

What Happens When We Lose Connection

When we’re busy, distracted, or stretched thin, connection is often the first thing we lose — and the last thing we realize is gone.
Our conversations flatten. Our tone hardens. We stop asking questions and start giving directions. We check boxes instead of hearts.

And slowly, belonging fades. Remember the early months of COVID and the feelings of isolation and loneliness?

The good news? Connection can always be rebuilt — because it’s a skill, not a personality trait.
It’s something we practice through empathy, curiosity, and courage.

Even the smallest moments count: making eye contact, sending a text that says, thinking of you, or sitting beside someone without multitasking. These aren’t small gestures; they’re lifelines.

💬 GRL Pep Talk

GRL, here’s the truth: you are not imagining it.

That empty, restless, disconnected feeling is your body’s way of saying, I miss us.

We’re meant to live connected. To belong to something — and someone — that reminds us who we are.

So start where you are. Call the friend. Sit next to your kid without correcting their every move. Ask one better question today.

Belonging doesn’t happen because you fit in.
It happens because you reach out.

Connection is how we get there — and it’s the science of what makes us human.